Sleep Foundations

Sleep is like nursing. It’s natural but it’s also learned. It’s a habit and a skill that we need but don’t automatically have mastered, especially as a babe.

We are learning about sleep at every stage with our three, and discovering what works and what absolutely does not. We have come to develop some principles that have had an incredible impact in our children’s ability to take regular naps, sleep through the night, and fall asleep in different places.

I’m going to focus on newborn – 12 mo sleep in this post. To repeat, these habits are what have helped us and worked for our littles. I am not an expert. If you’re looking for more guidance or resources, I strongly recommend checking out Taking Cara Babies.

At the end of the day: find out what works best for you, your baby, and your family. It’s all a learning process – and there’s so much grace in it.

1. Develop a Routine

• We have a steady pattern for how we approach sleep and wake cycles. We do the same thing, rinse and repeat, to build habit and help with self soothing – and we don’t deviate until the children start showing signs of self soothing (so it seems pretty rigid to start with, but once the habit is formed, it allows for flexibility).

Day Routine: Baby wakes up, change baby diaper, nurse, roll into an activity (read, tummy time, watch Mommy clean/laundry/cook, go for a walk etc.), and then as the wake window comes to an end, take baby back and do one final “top off” nurse – and then lay baby down awake.

You read that correctly. Awake. I let our babies “put themselves to sleep”. Our youngest has been doing it since a couple weeks old. To clarify: the baby is tired and about to fall asleep. Think heavy eyelids, rubbing eyes, etc – all the sleep cues. They are ready to sleep. The difference is that before they fully fall asleep, I lay our children down.

Night Routine: Baby wakes up, if no poop – then I nurse and put baby right back to bed. If baby wakes up and there is a poop, I change and then I nurse and put baby back to bed. Usually, baby has fallen asleep while nursing. If so, gently stir them and/or whisper “mommy is putting you back to bed now.” This communicates to baby that they’re leaving your arms and being placed in a safe place. Rousing them might make them fuss. That’s okay. Let baby fuss for a bit. Don’t be afraid of it. They’re tired and they will go back down.
Putting baby to sleep awake at night without an activity in between nursing and being put back down helps them start differentiating between day and night, and keeps them safe. You’re going to be exhausted at night. The safest and best thing is to be alert while nursing, and then safely place baby in a safe sleeping position, and get back to resting yourself.

2. Know Wake Windows: A wake window is the baby’s ability to stay awake over a set amount of time. Usually newborns can only stay awake for 30 minutes. As they age, this increases to 60 minutes, then 90 minutes – so on and so on. Again, Taking Cara Babies has great material on this!

Follow your baby’s cues to know when they’re becoming sleepy. They’ll yawn, maybe start becoming a bit more fussy, rub their eyes etc. Try starting the “wind down rhythm” as soon as you see these sleepy cues so that baby doesn’t become overtired.

And sometimes, it seems like baby is not tired, even if they’ve been awake the whole wake window. The truth is, baby is tired. I’d recommend setting a timer when baby wakes up to help track their wake window. In the instance of a baby not seeming tired but being at the end of their age-specific wake window, still introduce the wind down rhythm.

To clarify: We approach wake windows as guidelines, not rules. What I mean by this is that when the timer goes off at 30 minutes, I use that as a cue to begin helping Baby wind down. It does not mean that Baby needs to be placed in the bassinet immediately. Quite the opposite. Wake windows should empower you to be aware of your Baby’s needs, not dictate a strict schedule that is ruled by the clock instead of your Baby’s cues.

Example of a wind down rhythm: Timer goes off, take baby to a quiet place, check baby’s diaper, turn on the sound machine, sing a song and nurse to “top off” (make sure baby is actually eating and not just suckling), and then when baby shows signs of drifting off – place baby down to sleep. We sleep all our babies on their tummies around 2-4 weeks when they show us they have strong enough head control but if you’re not comfortable with this, you can absolutely put baby on their back.

3. Baby Cave: This has been a game changer for us. Our youngest slept in our closet – which is attached to our room but separated by a door to the bathroom and then a separate closet door. Closets don’t have windows so it’s dark and quiet (except for the sound machine). The closest is also close enough that you can still hear all of your baby’s sounds. The purpose is not to hide them away, it is to provide them with a quiet space to rest during naps at home and bedtime at night. If you cannot hear your baby, then keep the door open. We also have a baby monitor in the closet so that I have eyes and ears on our infant at all times.

If you don’t have a closet in your room, or a large enough closet to fit a bassinet, then a product such as the SlumberPod could come in handy.

4. Sleep on their Tummy: Do what’s comfortable for you but we kept our firstborn on his back for a very long time and it felt like a massive battle the entire time. We let our daughter sleep on her stomach (in only her pjs, she didn’t like being swaddled and we didn’t want any extra blankets around her) and she loved it. We did the same with our youngest and he has loved it too.

• The benefit of stomach-sleeping is two fold:
  • They’re on their tummy, so they feel more full
  • It reduces their startle reflex (Moro Reflex), which can wake them up or make keeping them in a tight swaddle difficult (we joked that our firstborn had a Houdini hand. No matter which type of swaddle we used, or how tightly we thought we swaddled him, one hand would always pop up and then he would break the swaddle – and wake up). By sleeping on their tummy, their startle reflex is “caught” by the bassinet because they pull their arms in toward their face, which is softened by the mattress.

5. Give baby space to wind down: What I mean by this is that it’s good to give a baby some space to fall asleep. If I know that our youngest is fed, has a clean diaper, and has been up his entire wake window and is showing sleepy cues – I put him down. Usually at this point, he puts himself to sleep almost right away, but today for example he was a little wired because he didn’t get his full morning nap and we were pushing his current wake window: so he fussed for a bit. He was happy to be put down, made a couple noises, moved around and then passed out. Some days, I put him down and he is not happy with me. Quite the opposite. And his being upset at being put down lasts < 10 minutes, and then he’s fast asleep.

I want to pause here and clarify: do not put your baby down if baby is not showing sleepy cues. Make sure your baby has a clean diaper, is fed, and has been up their full wake window. I also phrase putting them down as “offering a nap.” Sometimes, I think I see sleepy cues and it seems like baby is fussy and wants to be put down, so I put baby down. And baby lets me know that they are absolutely not ready. So I pick baby up and try again in 30 minutes. This is all part of getting to know your baby. And part of introducing heavy doses of grace to the rhythms of your house. You can “offer” the nap, and if baby isn’t ready then that is okay. You can try again when baby is ready.

Again, it might take some babes a bit longer since this is a new habit, but try giving your baby ~ 10 minutes to figure it out. If baby is angry and fighting it, go in and sooth them, and then put baby back down.

6. Allow baby to make noises at night: Not cry, scream etc. that’s not normal. But what we realized was that when we had our youngest next to me in our room, I would hear a tiny sound and jolt to him out of instinct – but he wasn’t actually awake. He was literally just making noises as he dreamed. Even our 20 mo daughter last night let out what sounded like a cry – but we waited 30 seconds and didn’t hear anything and sure enough, she was happily asleep. It’s funny but think of it like sleep talking.

If you hear a noise, pause. Give your baby 5 – 10 minutes, and then respond.

7. Provide a Rest Day (or days)

Especially when baby is young, it is important to allow space for rest. What I mean by this is a little less “doing”, and a lot more “providing”. Your focus should be to provide rhythm and calm.

If baby has been sleeping well, and then has a hard night, make the next day slow at home. You can leave the house, but make the outing a walk versus an errand run. Providing a day for baby to nap in their bassinet versus on you or on the go can help baby “reset”. It’s not dissimilar to us: we sleep better in our own beds versus on the go when we’re in the car or on a plane. Give your child space to “be” – and accept that invitation yourself. It’s amazing how our children slow us down in the best way. A day of not running errands could mean a day of reading books on the lawn or tummy time by a warm fire. Create peace around your child and they will respond. Don’t we all?

If you’re a new parent, or attempting a new sleep routine then remember: Introducing these new patterns could take a bit – maybe days or maybe weeks. Don’t give up.

A note on co-sleeping ….

I would also caution against co-sleeping. I’ve come to the view that it disrupts more than it preserves. We never co-slept until our oldest was in the hospital receiving chemotherapy treatments. We needed to sleep with him for a number of reasons, one being his own safety, and two being the number of times nurses came in for round-the-clock medicine and checks. It would scare him to be woken up by a nurse changing his diaper, or giving him a medicine (makes sense, right? I’d be freaked out too), and then he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. When I was in bed with him, he seldom woke up to these interruptions, which allowed his tough body to actually rest. All this is to say, it has taken us nearly a year to adjust him back to sleeping through the night by himself. The truth is, he doesn’t sleep better with me and I don’t sleep better with him. It’s just a habit that we have needed to break and, in breaking it, his sleep has improved and it’s helped him on his journey to full healing and health. He wakes up happier and more alert after a good night’s rest by himself.

A note on crying …

A babe is going to cry. That’s what babies do. It’s one of their ways of communicating and it’s a helpful way. It helps us as parents cue into their needs and wants – and that is a beautiful thing. Realize that when your baby cries, they’re alerting you to something unique about them and it’s an invitation to discover more about your child. They are also processing existence and sometimes their only way to process is to cry. Comfort, console, and learn from what their cries are telling you. The goal shouldn’t be for your child to never cry but I would encourage you to be attentive to their cry and give yourself the grace to respond with a posture of awareness and not shame. If your baby is crying that doesn’t mean you’re failing them. If your baby goes through a period of fussing while trying to go to sleep, it doesn’t mean you should hold them every second and never put them down. It simply means that they’re a baby and they don’t have words or emotional regulation and they need you to guide their formation. Respond in love, with patience, and soothe with gentleness.

Helpful Gear

Below are some items that have become staples for us in our nap time and bedtime routines.

Sound Machine: Yoga Sleep Light to Rise Sleep Trainer, Sound Machine, and Night Light

• We start using a sound machine from day one, and then slowly back off as they get into their toddler years.
• Hatch and SlumberPod also make great sound machines.

Sleep Sack: Woolino 4 Season Baby & Toddler Sleep Sack

• We start our baby sleeping in this sack around 4 mo and have them in it until about 2 yo. We love the quality of these Woolino sacks, their durability, and the comfort they provide to the children.

Baby Monitor: Arenti Baby Monitor

• The monitor helps me respond, as much as it helps me pause. I love the peace of mind of being able to see and hear baby, and it help discern if baby is moving in their sleep or if baby is ready to be picked up.
• Note: A security camera is also a great option in lieu of or in addition to a baby monitor. See here for our thoughts on security cameras. That being said, it is helpful to travel with a traditional baby monitor. Sometimes it can be hard to link the security cameras to different wifi’s while on the road versus the baby monitor, which can be plugged in and provide more reliability on the go.

I hope this is helpful! And remember, you got this Momma! No one knows your baby better than you, and everything with baby is a beautiful process. Remember to take a deep breath, pray for peace and guidance, and act in love. All will be well.

May your day be filled with what is beautiful and good ~ Caitlyn